Mr. Nimby visits Duke University
Note: I thought this piece was funny as hell. Duke didn't. They hated the idea of giving up land for light-rail through Duke Forest.
Raleigh News & Observer, May 6, 1999
Mr. Nimby Visits Duke University
By Stuart Rojstaczer
DURHAM -- Interviewer: What is the purpose of your visit, Mr. Nimby?
Nimby: I'm here to consult with university administration on mass transit issues.
Interviewer: So you're the one responsible for Duke's obstinate stance concerning regional rail?
Nimby: I wouldn't call it obstinate, I would call it pragmatism and a concern for the aesthetics of the campus.
Interviewer: Whatever. Have you been here before?
Nimby: Oh yes. The last time was with regard to the Orange County landfill siting. I was outraged that Orange County had the nerve to try to place its new landfill on Duke-owned land. Orange County is UNC country, isn't it? Everyone knows not one square inch of Duke forest is suitable for a landfill. That was an obvious conspiracy on the part of our archrival to make us look bad.
Interviewer: How do you find Duke University as a client?
Nimby: They aren't perfect. Every once in a while they do things that make me roll my eyes. For instance, they recently began to develop land that they owned north of East Campus for employee-owned housing as part of an effort to solidify the neighborhoods adjoining the university. What's the percentage in doing that? If I were Duke, I wouldn't invest one dime in Durham.
Interviewer: So you weren't consulted on that issue?
Nimby: Of course not. Nor on Duke's hazardous waste dump in the forest. No way would I have admitted that the site existed, much less take the time and money to clean it up.
Interviewer: It's said that you are a lonely man, Mr. Nimby.
Nimby: Not in the least. I have many friends who agree with me 100 percent. Social irresponsibility has been with us forever. And I even have one close relative, my brother Alfred.
Interviewer: Alfred Nimby? I've never heard of him.
Nimby: He has a different last name, Nimtoo, which stands for "not in my term of office." We have a nice arrangement. He works with politicians to promote personal and social irresponsibility. I stick with those in the private sector.
Interviewer: Getting back to Duke's opposition to a rail stop at the medical center and a further extension of the line though Duke forest, what will be your approach?
Nimby: We've planned an assault on many fronts. There is the aesthetic issue of course. Duke is one of the prettiest campuses in the country. You wouldn't want to ruin that beauty with something as ugly as a rail line, would you? Then there's the environmental angle. Think of all those trees that we would have to chop down in Duke Forest. Lord knows we need trees to save us from global warming. We commissioned a scientific study that shows that any reduction in carbon dioxide associated with fewer cars on the road would be more than offset by the increase in carbon dioxide associated with loss of trees along the rail route. Finally there's the "it won't help" defense. Our studies show that a rail route will actually cause more people to use cars and as a result increase the number of traffic jams.
Interviewer: Do you really expect anyone to believe any of that?
Nimby: Well, in the long run, no. But it serves as a good delay tactic. And if we can get this rail thing delayed a few years, who knows what'll happen? I've watched my buddies in the cigarette industry and figure that we can learn a thing or two from them. Repeated denial and obfuscation seem to work quite well for many. Why if there hadn't been a certain stain on a dress, it would have even worked for President Clinton. You need to talk with Alfred about that one. Man, does he have stories to tell.
Interviewer: But don't you think that rail transit would be beneficial?
Nimby: Sure it would. But you have to weigh everything in the balance. On the one hand you have the value of maintaining an air of snobbishness and exclusivity. On the other hand you have the benefits to Duke employees, students, and the Triangle at large. It's a no-brainer. The "not in my backyard" sentiment wins hands down.
Interviewer: Thank you Mr. Nimby for such a candid appraisal of your efforts.
Nimby: These 0.6 hours have been a pleasure. As my contract states, my rate for candid discourse is three times higher than my standard rate. To whom do I send my bill?